Tales from Navy: The 3M program

     I never really understood the term 'bureaucracy' until I joined the Navy (and apparently, I never knew how to spell it before a moment ago, when spellcheck informed me 'beaureacracy' isn't a word.) Before enlisting, the biggest form I'd filled out had been a W-2. In the Navy, I routed paperwork to request more paperwork. And that was just the admin side of things; a Sailor's true headache was performing preventive maintenance in accordance with the Material Maintenance Management (3M) program.

     The 3M program was a series of instructions and regulations put in place to provide a measure of accountability for the quality of maintenance performed by Sailors on a ship's systems. For my division, maintenance tasks could range from just turning a cooling fan off and back on to check if it's temperature gauge was stuck, to checking the readiness conditions of fire-extinguishers and emergency lighting. My division was full of media personnel, so our spaces didn't hold a lot of machinery. I shudder to think of what maintenance must have been like for the engineers, or the boatswains mates, for it's with these rate classes in mind that the program was conceived; the 3M program is in place to keep fuckoffs with huge demanding maintenance tasks from fucking off on their huge, demanding maintenance tasks. It accomplishes this by making the person assigned the maintenance jump through every hoop possible to complete their assignment. (It should be here noted that 3M is also referred to as the Preventive Maintenance System, and appropriately so. Anyone assigned maintenance was grouchy about it until someone else had to do it next cycle.)
     I understood the reasoning behind the 3M program. I still couldn't fucking stand it.

     The problem was, the system was created to keep major maintenance from being messed up, or "gun-decked," as it was colloquially known. Because my division had nothing bigger than a paper drill to work on, we had to perform the myriad instructions on the maintenance cards verbatim for the most mundane of tasks. We had a battle lantern card that basically had us walking from lantern to lantern with a magnetic rod, which we touched to each lantern to see if it worked. The sheet was two pages of instructions. Granted, these sheets also include the materials you need for the maintenance and their part numbers, but that in itself took time and effort. You had to go to supply or electrical tool issue or safety to get the gear you needed, and in some cases, had to submit paperwork signed by three different supervisors and yourself in order to get things you could not legally perform the maintenance without. Sometimes these people would be in completely opposite sides of the ship.
     I ended up creating a Maintenance Requirement Card for "Dick in a Box," and I'm going to copy paste it from Word below. Keep in mind, per the program's requirements, a Sailor must read and comply with the entire card every time the maintenance is performed, but not until the card itself is verified as current. This is accomplished by checking the MRC against the Maintenance Index Page. The MIP was then verified as current and valid by checking it against the List of Effective Pages. The LOEP was then verified as current and valid by checking it against the Force Revision page. Yep.

 
DISTRIBUTION STATEMENT D:

Distribution authorized to DOD contractors only; Critical Technology; March 2010. Other requests for this document shall be referred to Naval Sea Systems Command (SEA 04RM). Destroy by any method that will prevent disclosure of contents or reconstruction of the document.

 

Date: March 2010              MIP         6900/004          PERIODICITY: R

                              SERIES:                      

 

Location: SEE EGL

 

MAINTENANCE REQUIREMENT DESCRIPTION

1.  Modify, stuff, and present adult-themed, multi-occasional gift.

 

SAFETY PRECAUTIONS

1.  Forces afloat comply with NAVOSH Program Manual for Forces Afloat, OPNAVINST 5100.19

2.  Avoid repeated or prolonged skin contact with hazardous materials. Wash affected areas with soap and water upon completion of task or prior to eating, drinking, smoking, or applying cosmetics or performing cunnilingus/fellatio.

3.  Do not use petroleum-based lubricants where it will come in contact with a bodily opening or orifice. Use water-based lubricants such as KY, or saliva.

 

TOOLS, PARTS, MATERIALS, TEST EQUIPMENT

MATERIALS

1.  [00173] Box, cardboard corrugated

2.  [00584] Tape, duct

3.  [01596] Grease, ball and roller bearing, DOD-G-24508

Hazardous Materials User’s Guide (HMUG) Group 8, Disposal Method 1

4.  [01102] Rag, wiping

TOOLS

1.  [00196] Scissors

2.  [00771] Lubricating gun, hand, Lever-operated, 16 OZ 12” rub hose ext & adpt kit incl

3.  [00271] Fleshlight, Type 3, style 1, explosive proof

4.  [02279] Rule, steel, machinist’s, 6” steel rule, grad=10ths &100ths, 32nds and 64ths

5.  [00123] Pen, felt-tip, permanent ink

MISCELLANEOUS

1.  [00517] Gloves, chemical and oil protective

2.  [03707] Goggles, industrial, non-vented

3.  [11922] Hazardous Materials User’s Guide (HMUG), OPNAVINST 5100.28

NOTE: Numbers in brackets can be referenced to Standard PMS Materials Identification Guide (SPMIG) for identification.

 

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OPNAV 4790/85 (REV. 9-97)

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS CONTROL STATEMENT (U)

The Hazardous Materials User’s Guide (HMUG), OPNAVINST 5100.28, provides additional control measures, precautions, personal protective equipment (PPE), and spill controls for the hazardous material(s) identified in the Tools, Parts, Materials, Test, Equipment block. Maintenance personnel shall determine if additional PPE is necessary to accomplish the MRC and take appropriate action to obtain and wear such PPE to ensure the safety of maintenance personnel. Report any deficiencies via PMS feedback report.

 

PROCEDURE

Preliminary

NOTE 1: Ensure box size is adequate to accommodate amount of male genitalia to be stuffed into box.

NOTE 2: Handle lubricant with care. Accidental spill on PRC and other non-carpeted surface may create a slipping hazard. If spill occurs, cordon off area of spill and notify HAZMINCEN and Safety Office.

1. Cut a hole in the box.

WARNING: Use extreme caution when handling scissors. The Navy treats you like a baby for a reason (specifically, because you are one.)

      a. Put on protective goggles.

      b. Apply circular, dotted-line pattern to box side using felt-tip pen. Dotted-line pattern should be at least 1.5” diameter.

   c. Using scissors, cut out dotted-line pattern. Dispose of cardboard circle in accordance with shipboard practices.

   d. Using duct tape, cover the edges of the hole in the box.

   e. Remove protective gloves.

NOTE 1: Omit steps b and c if cardboard box has pre-cut hole in side.

NOTE 2: If pre-cut hole in box is already gilded with duct tape, omit step d.

2. Put your junk in that box.

WARNING: Ensure hole in box is insulated with duct tape or laminated. When cut, corrugated cardboard can present sharp edges to skin. If no insulation is present, apply a latex condom [00983] to genitalia prior to insertion.

  a. Hold box at waist level, approximately 10” away from body.

  b. With genitals exposed, slowly bring box closer to body until genitals enter the hole cut in the side.

  c. Push testicles into opening, one at a time.

NOTE 1: It may be difficult to place the genitals in the opening in the box while they are flaccid. It may be necessary to become erect before insertion. If  necessary, the use of pornography (no NSN; work center provide) may prove helpful.

NOTE 2: Though the song only refers to the “dick” being in the “box,” it is paramount the testicles are also inside the box when presented. This creates the “fruit basket” effect, which adds to the gift-giving theme. If getting the testicles into the box proves too difficult, do NOT shove them in. Use approved lubricant and gently press them through.

3. Make her open the box.

 

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NOTE 1: This step is best performed from a seated position to create the illusion of a free-standing gift box, as opposed to the horrible surprise strapped to your lap.

WARNING: Do not wrap the box with string, ribbon, or any binding agent that will necessitate the use of a cutting tool to remove. She may become over-excited with a sharp object near your genitals, which can create a dangerous situation.

        a. Make her open the box.

        b. And that’s the way you doooooo it!

        c. Report all discrepancies to work center supervisor.

 

DISPOSAL METHODS FOR HAZARDOUS MATERIAL/WASTE IDENTIFIED IN THE TOOLS, PARTS, MATERIAL, AND TEST EQUIPMENT BLOCK

Method 1: If shipboard HAZMINCEN exists, turn in all spent HM and items contaminated with HM to the shipboard HAZMINCEN for collection, processing, and disposal. Containerize waste in original container or use standard container as listed in Appendix C23-A of OPNAVINST 5100.19 Series Navy Occupational Safety and Health (NAVOSH) Program Manual for Forces Afloat and the Naval Ships’ Technical Manual (NSTM), S9086-T8-010/CH-593, Pollution Control. Store in accordance with OPNAVINST 5100.19 Series, Appendix C23-A and D-15-A-1. Mark, label, or tag the container with specific contents and any information on the contaminants. This information must also be provided on the DD Form 1348-1A at the time of off-loading. Empty container guidance is available in the CNO Policy Guide for Shipboard Hazardous Material Container Disposal, OPNAV P-45-114-95. Contact the receiving shore activity (e.g., Fleet and Industrial Supply Center and Public Works Center) to determine the appropriate local off-loading requirements.

 

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OPNAV 4790/85 (REV. 9-97)

Yup, looks good enough for government work.